You can try, but it happens.

Presentation day came yesterday. I think that everybody had a sense of my anxiety and nervousness. It always happens no matter how well I prepare for a presentation and as I have said before, it happens a week before the actual presentation happens. Well, the presentation went pretty well, if I do say so myself. It is funny how fast time goes when one gives a presentation. But, our presentation was part of a day workshop/conference that started from 9am and went on to 4pm. Our presentation was schedule to be at 2 pm. So during the morning, it was a lot of formal stuff and a 30 minute documentary, "The Long Awaited Day", a documentary about the first Case 001 of the Khmer Rouge tribunals. During the whole morning, I had been thinking about why I was here and why I decided to come to Cambodia. I thought about this heavily because for the presentation, I was going to tell audience in khmer, why I was here? What were my personal reasons. As I thought deeply about why I was here, my mind filled with thoughts about my family. I kept replaying throughout my mind about why I was here. This is what I decided why I was here.

Kyoum mao srok khmer bi pruuh bokmadai kyoum gaet neay nih. chnam 1979, bokmadai hae neung bong srey, bong proh youm ruet jing mao pi srok khmer tiev srok amariik. payl kyoum goun meen, bokmadai kyoum prap roueng pah gey samey polpot. kyoum deng roeung nih vi babak niyeah geng mao. mai youm prap youm dai, sokun, kyoum deng kloun ain gaet niew a nih, ban dael gum pliq kloun ain koun khmer, gum pliq bokmadai mao pi srok khmer. wup po toa pah kyoum ge jie wup po toa khmer, ge jie wop pu toa kampuchea krom. A neng vih sumkan mein thean. taah kyoum kang pa, mao pi kampuchea krom. youm out jeng pliq roueng khmer dey. ba sun youm mean koun, kyoum jeng aw goon youm deng reung khmer. Youm jeng prap goon youm, gum pliq kruesaa yeung mao pi srok khmer. kyoum jeng prap beuk khmer duet kyoum, niew srok amerriik, niew srok khmer, niew srok jeng oh nie, reung kampuchea krom, reung khmer jeng auh nih.

I came to Cambodia because my parents were born here. In 1979, my parents and older sister and brother escaped out of Cambodia and came to the United States. When I was a child, my parents told me about their story during the Khmer Rouge era. I know that these stories are very hard difficult to talk about. My mother also told me, "Sokun, I know that you were born here, but don't forget you are a Cambodian child and do not forget your parents and family are Cambodian. My culture is Cambodian culture all together. It is very important to me. My grandfather on my Dad's side came from Kampuchea Krom. I do not want to forget where I came from, the stories and history of Cambodia. When I have children, I want my children the history and culture of Cambodia. I want them to not forget where their family came from. I want to tell Khmer people like me from United States, from Cambodia, from all over the world about Cambodia and it's culture and history.

This thought kept replaying in my mind over and over from 9am - 12pm, which then Lunch was scheduled. I got more emotional and emotional every time I replayed this over and over in head because this is why I was here. I was here because of my family and because of my culture. The documentary that was held in the first part of the conference/workshop did not help me contained my emotions. Stories of the witnesses and clients of Case 001 was told within the film, which just built my emotions to a height. By lunchtime, I did not have an appetite. After 30 minutes into eating, my team notice from the beginning of the day that something was wrong. They were right, I was ready to burst and let it all out. Rothany took me on a walked to the outside balcony. I was trying to tell Vinita and her that I wasn't upset because of my high anxiety and nervousness of the presentation, but because of how important and how much it meant for me to be here in Cambodia, the film added on another layer and also about how guilty I felt. I felt guilty because, once I tried to tell Vinita and Rothany why I was truly emotional, I just started to break down and cry. Rothany took me to the corner of the ledge and I let everything out. I felt so guilty that I was crying because I thought about all of the people who lost their own families, their brothers and sisters, mother and father, their children. I felt guilty that I felt like this because I still had my family. The guilt got to me and I just had to cry. I still had my family, Prida, Day, Renee, Mom and Dad, my nieces and nephew and everyone else. I just felt guilty to have these emotions, these tears. They shouldn't have happened.
After having calm down and letting everything out, it was reassuring that how I was feeling and reacting is okay. No matter how many times I tried to keep my emotions at bay, try to be okay with everything that is happening. It is a challenge for me. A huge challenge for me to deal with the hard issues that I hold so dear to my heart. This was something that nobody expected to happened, not even I. I guess things just happen and it really assure that life is full of unexpected things.
So, after this emotional day. It was nice to go out and have delicious spanish tapas and go out to dancing once again. We went to a club called Darlin Darlin, that had a live Cambodian band, doing covers to Lady Gaga, Britney Spears and ect in Khmer. So good to hear Lady Gaga in khmer. lol. Oh yes, and the infamous song, Jump up , let's get crazy was sung in Khmer as well. Dancing, I think for me, will always be the solution to keeping up spirits high as well as a good workout for the body.
Oh, before I go. I leave to Takeo province (the province/ home of my Grandma on my mom's side) to do field work in the southern part of the province. So, I will not get to see my Grandma. I will be back on Wednesday. So depending on if we have internet or not, this might be my last post til then, but I am hoping that there is like the one in Pursat province, but we will not know until tomorrow. I leave at 6:15 am. So early. Til then, let hope that things will go well the next couple days and I am sure I will have lots more updates.