I do not think the intensity will stop. Choeng Ek.

Choeng Ek, the killing fields. One of the more well known killing fields known to the outside world. Today, we joined TPO (Transcultural Psycho-social Organization) for their final day in the 4 days process of Testimonial Therapy. This was the day they would hand over the testomonies of the clients in a Buddhist ceremony. It began with going to Choeng Ek.
As I entered Choeng Ek, it was that same feeling I had as I went into S-21. My heart began to beat faster and faster and my breaths became short. I scanned across the hilly landscape and listened to the serene wind blowing in the background and the sounds of nature. How could this peaceful place be turned into a place where people were brought and killed brutally. As we walked inside and passed the gates, there stood a tall monument. As I got closer, I noticed that the glass monument was filled with skulls and bones. The monument at least 4-5 stories tall. I stood there frozen looking at the monument and gazing into the glass. I don't remembered what was going through my head. This was where the first Buddhist ceremony was going to place, to honor the spirits who passed away here. We walked through the Choeng Ek so that the others could set up mats and prepare for the ceremony.
Walking throughout this landscape, it was hard and difficult for me. It was hard to see the spots that were marked off as massed graves of a 100 bodies were here, 200 bodies were here, 400 bodies were here and I finally saw the tree, a tree that I have only seen drawings off, with a sign that said, this is where children were beaten and killed. I just looked around at the hilly landscape and the pits was where bodies were tossed. There was even a tree that was used to hand a stereo to massed the sounds of the moans of the people who were dying.
As we walked around here, I noticed that some of the clients could not handle being around here and with the bones of the victims who have died. This place is a place a lot of Cambodians do not ever go because the spirits of the ones who have died have never had a proper ceremony to send them off.
We made it back around to the front of the memorial and there were two monks sitting at the top of the stairs. I took of my shoes, sapeh (clasp hands) three times to the monk. I got some incense sticks and prayed and put them in a pot at the top of the stairs. The the Buddhist ceremony began.
Afterwards, we all packed up and went to the Wat(Pagoda/temple)that was nearby to do a Buddhist ceremony in handing over the testimonies. This was a very intense and very heart wrenching ceremony for everybody. Testimonies/narrative summaries were read in a Buddhist ceremony to the monks and the people that attended. All of the narratives were very hard and difficult to listened too. I, being a very emotional person and how all of this hits so close to home for me, it was very hard for me to keep my tears back. It was difficult to see some of the clients so emotional and some of the narratives of these clients were so difficult to here.
Each narrative, just reminded me about how lucky I am to have my family again and that my parents somehow made it to a safe place during samaey Pol Pot (Khmer Rouge Era).
After my first experience at S-21, I thought I would be able to handle anything that came after that. But, I think that everything here that I have experience so far just hits so close to home. That everything I experience will be difficult and very intense. That this is okay and acceptable for me to feel. I thought that before I could move on, but being here in Cambodia, where my roots take me back, will be difficult for me, but I just have to remember about the future and about the changes that we can make.