S-21, the eyes of forgiveness

Today was the first day of the internship. Let's just say it was very surprising. We met lots of important figures and learned about a lot of new stuff. I might even be going to Pursat Province this weekend now.
One of the things that we did do was going to S-21, Tuol Sleng. Before we went there, at lunch, I was very nervous to actually go to Tuol Sleng. Tuol Sleng is the high school that was transformed into the torture detention center and about 17,000 people ( men, women, children and elderly) were executed. Only a handful survived through this. As we arrived to the abandoned high school. The stone wall that surrounds the buildings had barbed wire. This gave me chills and it was hard to see. We got off the tuk tuk and went inside. As I walked passed the gates, I look around at the several buildings that were contained in this complex. It looked frightening and gave the pictures that I have seen in books, internet and media, a name for a face. We went to Tuol Sleng because they had a special exhibition that was up and we wanted to check it out. It was located in building "c". So we proceeded to that building. Walking across the yard to get to this building, I felt a very uneasy feeling. I felt that it was not right to be here. We made it across to the building and walked inside. As I walked inside and looked around. I looked at the walls that had marks everywhere and the tiles on the floors that were broken and stained.The first room we went into had pictures of the persons who came through this facility. As I look at each of the pictures and into the eyes of the people. I started to think about how they felt when they got there picture taken. Every set of eyes had a sense of fear within them. I began to think of my family and I imagined, this could have been them, this could have been them. It was getting to my head and I started to cry. I could not hold back as I walked into the next room to find skulls and more pictures of the people who died. It is hard to described the feeling I was feeling at that time. I started to shake and I felt like my legs were numb. When we got to the end of the first floor, where the there were stairs to take us to the next floor, a Cambodian man, around his mid 40s, stopped us and saw that we were crying. He told us that it is hard to see things like this and he told us about his experience during this dark time in Cambodian experience. The others from my group found us and took us outside to get some fresh air. After a couple minutes to collect my thoughts and calm down a bit, I decided to go back into the building and go to the top floor. We made our way to the top floor and back down. When we got back down, our team wanted us to meet someone in the next building over. We made our way over to the next building and went up the third room. When we went into one of the rooms upstairs, there was an elderly man on his phone. We were told that this was Chum Mey. He was one of the handful of people known to have survive. He only survived because they used his mechanics skills. It was a blessing that I was able to meet with him and talk to him in khmer. I tried to use my best khmer, but it was hard to get anything out of my mouth. My mind had collapse with all of the things that had been going through and my mind froze when it came to speaking anything, english or khmer. It was very powerful to be face to face with him. I stared into his eyes, they were so majestic and there was a ring of blue around the pupil. I could see that these eyes has seen a lot of bad, but a lot of good as well. I could tell by these eyes, they had moved on pass the suffering and on to the future. It was just so powerful. I am so happy I was able to meet him and it just made me feel so happy that I could understand everything he told me. After the encountered, we went back outside to convene, when Chum Mey met us at the entrance of the building and as a group of Singaporean students walk by, motion Rothany and I, and the group to come. He showed us his cell, where he was locked up. We went inside and he went inside his cell and maneuvered his body in the position he sat in the cell. He told us that his hand would be tied back, his eyes covered, and his foot chained to door. There was a small gas looking container for him to pee in and a metal tool box for him to defecate into. He said that if there was any mess or if they had missed the two items to be used for the bathroom. They were forced to lick up there mess. He also showed us how he had to sit, as well as how he sleep. He described how his back was so swollen that he could sleep on his back, but on his side. But because of this, the chains would rattle and the guards would assume he was trying to escape. They would come and give him lashes. Even after writing this down in word form, I am crying right now. It made me feel so lucky that he showed this to us by his own will. He told us that he wanted us to bring back these stories back to the United States to let other Khmer Americans know about what happened here. I am emotionally drained. I might just call it a night.